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Holy crap an update! [02 May 2005|01:09pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Wow...

It's been like eons, livejournal.. How ya doing?! Wait a minute, you're just a website... Not so fun to talk to... Uhhm...

How about the random people who read this.. or... used to read it when I actually posted things?!!? How ya------- wait, no one's ever read this thing.

Why am I writing this then? Oh well.. I guess I'll just talk to myself like I usually do.

Yeah, it's been a long long time, right now I'm sitting at work completely bored, listening to random One Piece musics, and having absolutely nothing better to do, so I figured I'd pass a little time and actually write something into here. What's it been, really? Like a year or more? It's at LEAST been that, I don't think I've done a post since before I got together with Hannah, and our one year anniversary is coming up in a week from today. Wow, how am I going to write about everything that's happened in the past year? x.x

This calls for a montage!!!

*shows bunches of random scenes of a guy starting out as a weakling and training and stuff to inspirational music, slipping in the occasional scene to make someone giggle but then going right back to the training, making it seem as of much struggling took place, and a lot of time as passed, ending it with a picture of the stronger guy who was the weakling as the scene fades out and it makes it appear more time has passed*

So, yeah, that's what's happened in the last year! Awesome, wasn't it?

>.>
<.<

Really, it's been about the best year of my life overall. ^^ I came up with a theory back a bit after my last post I put on here, that the more depressed people are the more they're inclined to post in their livejournal. At least that's true of me. A theory which I'm undoing as I make this very post, but shh. Amazing, great, wonderful, beautiful, and other such good adjectives have happened, as well as (more recently) a few horrible things, but I'm still quite happy, even though things are a bit rough right now. Guess since I never have before since I haven't posted for a year, I'll explain Hannah.. ^^

We met long, long ago at an anime club far, far away. Though that's not when we really got to know each other. Don't know if we even ever said anything to each other then. She was dating a friend of mine at the time, well, sorta friend, not a close one or anything. More an aquaintence than anything. We both remember seeing each other that day though, and feeling as if the other were important somehow.. ^^ Come a few months later, I had goten into Gaia, anime-themed forum place. Anime club peoples had made their own little thing on there, and I'd always talk there randomly and the like. Eventually Hannah got onto it, found me there, added me to her MSN messenger list, and we started talking, a coversation that went on until 6am the next morning (with a seeing of Van Helsing in the theatre between it), and well, more or less, the conversation never ended even then. We talk... unnaturally ^^ I'm fairly certain we've spent more time together and talked more than most 50 years married couples.. Only one problem with it all, which would be the problem that would nearly undo it. Hannah's 15, though by no means at all any sort of normal teenager, anyone who's ever had the pleasure of being graced by her would tell you that. And I'm 21 -.- I was meant to be a few years younger, be born a few years later. All my friends are still in high school, though the majority of them only have like a month left before it's over. And so is the girl I feel I've really found true love with, before her I "thought" I was in love a couple of times, but I promise everyone who hasn't found it for themselves yet, that it's a completely different feeling when it's real. ^^ A feeling I've had for almost an entire wonderful year now, and one that I don't have to question is going to be with me for the rest of my life. You don't just feel some illusion of happiness. You feel the whole spectrum of human emotion shot into you all at once, scrambling all that you are, and you merge with your other person. You become a part of one another, you feel their emotions as strongly as your own, and you can sense almost in a way a mother can sense things about her children just what is happening to the other. You don't need to be with them to feel them there with you, you don't need to talk to them to know what they have to say, their happiness brings you as much happiness as your own, or more.

Mm, but enough mushy stuff ^^ Shortly after we got together, her mother of course found out about it, and forbid us to see one another, becuase I'm a big scary 21 year old.. =/ We nearly just decided to give it up and wait, but neither of us could do it. So we spent the first few months of our relationship online, every now and then sneaking off to a movie together, we both going seperately, and just "HAPPENING" to both be at the same movie. Her parents had never seen me before, so it was quite easy. After a while of being tricksy in such ways, we decided to gamble, put it all on the line for a chance to be happy, and somewhat normal together. We called me by my middle name, Wesley, and claimed I was 18, as opposed to 21. Hardly any different as far as I see it, both just as "illegal". All of it being so that her parents could see me as a person, for who I was, and not just an age. They bought it completely, and we spent the longest, and best times of our lives together.

Over the recent spring break, we were found out. Her parents found a notebook she was writing a letter to me in, and everything we'd worked up came crashing down, I think mostly because that was how they found out. If we had told them ourselves, maybe it would have turned out differently, who knows.. But it's the way things ended up being meant to be, so we've dealt with it. Of course we were forbidden to see each other again, and this time they know everything about me. Her dad called and threatened to have me arrested if I saw her again, my mom tried ot talk to him herself.. He threatened to have the same happen to her, and said she had no right to call making threats to him..................... She didn't x.x She said nothing threatening whatsoever, he made her cry like I've never seen her cry before. He made me cry like I've never known me to cry before, and Hannah got the worst of it of all. They took away everything she enjoyed, computers, video games, everything. For a couple weeks there was nothing for her but her bed and her overflowing bad emotions. She called me a few times in the first few days, only to be found out by her mom by hitting the redial button. We lost everything, but we're both strong, both just crazy enough. :) By no means did we give up. We coordinated things through friends, they would call her, relay things she'd say through the internet, and tell her all I'd say. She'd call me on friends' cell phones at lunch, and we eventually devised a way we could see each other again. At her lunch time, she slips away with the crowd over to a nearby friend's house, and I'm there before she gets there, with my car parked far away. ^^ We've kept that sort of thing up for quite a while now, had no problems with it at all, her parents don't even know when her lunch time is. It's not a lot, but I love every moment of it. After some time had passed her parents gave her back her laptop, but without the internet card in it. We're craftier than that though ;) She went and bought a silver USB memory stick, and I went and bought her a USB wireless internet card which looks exactly like the memory stick. So now, apart from lunch times, we practically have an online relationship. A good, wonderful strong one. And we're waiting out the two years until she's 18 and we can be together again.

Every day we're together, every time we see each other, I put my life on the line. I risk ruining the rest of my life and going to jail. But it's worth it entirely to me. More than worth it..

So, there's my real montage.. That's been the majority of my past year. Only other major events have come through happenings in my adventures in video games, particularly MMORPGs :P Currently playing WoW.. and Guild Wars.. and stuff. Nothing really interesting I can write about all that.. ^^ Nothing really interesting I can write about at all anymore at this point, my fingers are getting pretty tired, and my brain's running out of things to say..

So, I'll leave it with that.. See you somewhere between another day and another year, livejournal.. ^^

2 comments|post comment

....No? [16 Aug 2004|11:22pm]
EDIT:
Okay, so... I didn't notice the gender option on the quizzy thing, but whether I'm male or female.. It's still just as wrong :P


Hannah.. you're such a liar XP
This is the... least accurate quizzy thing ever! I don't even talk to Cornell much.. but I guess I could trust him as my second in command.. but.. no.. It'd be you or Dylan.. and... Kellie....... can not be anyone's archnemesis XP


What kind of villian would you be?
LJ Username
Gender
Favorite color
Do you root for good, or for awesome?
Your trusted second in command insomniac414
Your arch nemesis, aka; bewaremybrain
Evil appearance Dirty clothing, dirty skin, dirtyhair, your face is nothing but dirt and insanity. You stalk around, with nothing but your sick pleasures and your evil. Crazy ain't the half of it.
What you;ve done so far sleeping your way into power. At this rate, it will all be yours. whats left, you can just take.
Your evil powers/skills Strategic genious.
Chances of taking over/destroying world - 27%
This quiz by tea_chan - Taken 24351 Times.
</a>
Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz



Y'know what..? Screw it.. I'm not even gonna say anything here about posting a real post eventually.. I'm never gonna do it XP My life is really good right now. Amazing, really.. Everything's been falling right into place.. I have the girlfriend I always dreamed of.. My friends have all been awesome lately.. I'm such a lucky guy.. ^^ I've been spending too much time taking care of the way things are as best I can to write about them.. and at this point.. there's just too much to write about, and trying for me would be completely hopeless..

So.. There ya go! ^^ Thank you everyone for making my life so wonderful lately.. ^^ It's almost all I've ever wished for..
4 comments|post comment

OMG a post!! [07 Jul 2004|07:09pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Just kidding! It's only a quiz thing...

Fill this out and put an x next to what you've done and leave the rest blank like this:
(x) - you've done
(_) - you haven't done

(_x) been drunk (Does falling out of a chair laughing at Josh saying he's pregnant after like 5 glasses of champagne count?)
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) been to Japan
(_) ridden in a taxi
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(_) been fired
(_) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(_x) ever dated someone of the same sex (Online count?!?! :P)
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) been arrested
(_) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(_x) gone on a blind date (Kinda.. met online first :P)
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(_) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker
(x) cut myself on purpose
(_) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children (Woooooooah.. I almost x'd that.. I totally thought it said "had chicken")
(_) seen someone die.
(_) been to Africa
(x) had a crush on one of my Live journal friends
(_x) Slapped someone I loved (Again.. Online?!?!)
(_x) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball (Anime convention? >.> Damn.. I'm so indecisive)
(_) Been to Canada
(_) Been to Mexico
(_) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(_) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at concerts
(x) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(_x) been in an abusive relationship (Does this count emotionally abusive? :P) (<<<What Hannah said) (x) been pregnant or got someone pregnant (x) lost a child (-.-) (x) gone to college (_) graduated college (Nope.. and probably never will.. Too much I want to do x.x)

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Yoinkage [15 Jun 2004|09:27pm]
1. Take your LiveJournal username and replace each letter with the corresponding number (a=1, b=2, etc...).
2. Add all of the numbers together.
3. Make a note of the first digit of this number, then add the digits of the number together.
4. Take the second sum and find the chronologically matching post of this number in your LiveJournal archive.
5. Take the digit you noted in step 3, and count that many words into the post.
6. Use that word in a Google image search, and select a picture from the first page.
7. Post the results for us all to see!



Hrm.. That was fun :P Y'know... I should do an actual post... but I won't.. I'll keep you all in suspense... As if.. you really care! :P
3 comments|post comment

What a weekend... [10 May 2004|12:43am]
......

That's about all I have to say right now.... wow..
1 comment|post comment

x.x [07 May 2004|11:52pm]
Meh...

American Pie concert rocked... Can't bring myself to reflect and tell in detail how awesome it was because something happened amidst it that's made my head want to a-plode ><

Sometime about 3/4 of the way through the concert a guy came up to me... He told me there was a girl who wanted my phone number... Noooooooow... I didn't give it to him... I usually don't even go for that kinda thing... I'd really like to at the very least be asked by the girl herself.. >.> buuuuuut... Geh.... That kind of thing NEVER happens to me... -.- It's nice to think maybe it actually did... but if it did actually happen.. I blew it.. and that sucks >.>

Probably what it really was though was some retard trying to trick me into giving him his phone number so he and his friends could prank call me or something -.- That was why I didn't give it to him then... Thoughts like that... but I'll never really know.. I kinda stuck around a while after the show doing aimless things... kinda hoping I'd see him.. (Also wanted to see Chris Deere again.. >< never got to do that either) Meh.. never saw 'em though.... Geh.. I'll just never know.. and the wondering kinda sucks >
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I have to post this... [27 Apr 2004|10:11pm]
I believe there's something horribly wrong with a country when something like this is even PROPOSED... let alone voted into action...

Here... Just read the article..


Michigan health bill may harm gay patients
by Christopher Curtis



Michigan's state Senate is poised to vote on a package of bills that could allow doctors and nurses to deny treatment or medication to GLBT patients on moral grounds.


Last week the Michigan House overwhelmingly voted for House bills 5006, 5276, 5277 and 5278. The bills give health care providers and insurers the right to refuse to take part in treatments they find objectionable on moral, ethical or religious reasons, except in medical emergencies.


Conservative lawmakers said they wanted to protect those who did not want to offer the abortion pill RU-486. Another concern was protecting those who did not want to deal with future treatments involving stem-cell research.


Michigan Legislature's only openly gay lawmaker, Rep. Chris Kolb, D-Ann Arbor, voted against the legislation, noting "a health provider could refuse health care to an individual based upon a patient's actual or perceived sexual orientation."


"This legislation would allow individual health care providers' interests to trump patient care," Kolb said in a statement to the Michigan House. "I oppose this legislation and worry that its passage into law would hinder access to health care services, especially in rural areas."


Sean Kosofsky, the policy director for the Triangle Foundation, a local GLBT rights organization, told the Gay.com/PlanetOut.com Network the state Senate could take up the matter on Tuesday.


"I think the House knows this is completely unconstitutional. This year the House is up for re-election and they are trying to force a lot of controversial issues," Kosofsky explained.


"I don't think they thought through this enough to realize it would piss off every minority in the book," Kosofsky added, claiming the "conscientious objector" bill could allow doctors of certain religious backgrounds to discriminate against those whose faith runs counter to their own.


One of the bill's sponsors, Rep. Randy Richardville, R-Monroe, told the Detroit Free Press that he would be willing to amend the bills to protect gays and lesbians.


"We are not trying in any way, shape or form to push our moral, ethical or religious beliefs on anyone else," he told Friday's edition of the paper.


"I have no problem with adding a little more language so that people who are different than I am don't feel we are threatening or trying to hurt them in any way," he said.


Posted April 26, 2004
1 comment|post comment

Someone on Gaia has this as a signature.. [26 Apr 2004|02:46am]
Just felt like posting it... ^^



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Ah... nothing brightens up my head like Strong Sad's over it.. [20 Apr 2004|10:41pm]


2 comments|post comment

I am Strong Sad, hear me groan! [20 Apr 2004|09:23pm]
Just posting another quickie... which seems to be the trend lately.. not just with me, but with most everyone...

Yesterday and today were mighty productive days... I finalized setting up my little home network here so my parents could get in on it upstairs.. (wireless goodness.. I love it.. don't know how I ever got by without it before :P)

I got all my projects for school more or less finalized... so now I get to slack off for the next two weeks... well almost... I have to worry about a new "project" that was assigned at the very last minute for my programming class.... If anyone out there wants to help me in writing my Tic-Tac-Toe game.... PLEASE do ^^ This one's gonna be tough.. 10 days to do it, 100 points.. No idea where to begin... Hardest thing will surely be writing the computer player's AI... I've never done anything remotely like that.. and we're doing this in Visual Basic >< Meh..

The highlight of my productivity though is what's currently laying on my pool table......... Strong Sad's severed legs and head ^^ My costume (for Anime Central) is coming out WONDERFULLY! It's more than I had EVER hoped for.. I can't wait to put on the finished product.. It's going to be so awesome ^^ Probably tomarrow I'll try to post a picture up on here of what I have so far...

I can't wait until ACen.. it's going to be ohso awesome... the director of Excel Saga will be theeeeeeerrrrrreeee!!!! I just want to..... touch his hair............ mmm... Japanese guy with an afro.........

Next year's ACen will be even better!!! Because I fully plan on becoming a remembered congoer... like Sailor Bubba........ When people see Card Captor Strong Sad next year.. they're gonna freak ^^
3 comments|post comment

Yeesh... beat that.... [18 Apr 2004|09:32pm]
DisorderRating
Paranoid:High
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Very High
Antisocial:Moderate
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:High
Narcissistic:High
Avoidant:Very High
Dependent:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

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... [15 Apr 2004|11:07pm]
This Is the coolest stuff... ever...
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Booooooooooooooooooored......... [15 Apr 2004|04:40pm]
[ mood | bored ]





...........



....................


..

ZzZzzzz *mumbles something about this weekend going to being awesome* ZzZzZzzz *nothing more to report*
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April Fools :P [01 Apr 2004|09:08pm]
Buahahahah... I continue to reign as the master of April Fools... All day long my mom has been incredibly cocky about her April Fools goodness.. I've just been kinda all "I don't really care" and despite multiple attempts.. I usually said April Fools before she could even complete the setup of her joke... and no one fooled her either.. until just a minute ago.. Bwah..

My parents have been needlessly worried about my driving, constantly thinking I'mma get pulled over and since I'm on their insurance, it'll get raised because of it... So... I came home from class looking all sad.. with a fake ticket in my pocket that said April Fools on it, and went and told them I got pulled over.. Spent like a minute getting blammed at, then handed her the ticket ^^

Yaaaaaaaaaay I can play stupid mean jokes.. I'm so proud of myself ^^ but eh.. it's fun when someone's been trying to get you all day long..

Other April Fools goodness...

Everyone go to www.vgcats.com ..their April Fools day joke.. is so awesome :P

Also if you have Furcadia.. log on there ^^

They've reprogrammed the chat functions to return everything you say in n00b speak, yo ^^ Either that or your avatar will appear as a kiwi.. it's much fun :P

Okay that's it ^^

Er just one more thing.. actually two more...

*glares at anyone who got to go to the Weird Al concert*

and.. Happy birthday Chris' mom :P
1 comment|post comment

Woah.. [27 Mar 2004|12:34am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

How long has it been since I've done a real post? *ponders* Huh.. a long long time I guess...

Too long, in fact...

So here it is for the first time in... a while!

A POST BY CHAD!!!

...Now what was I going to say?

I had a lot to say before I started typing.. aww fuck it :P

The past few months I've more or less been in something of a chrysalis.. I've gone through some ups.. and some very very low downs.. In fact, I won't lie, just like if I were really in a chrysalis.. I've spent a good deal of it curled up and not moving..

School started REALLY getting to me... I've been having a LOT of trouble with it, and for me.. that's a very bad thing.. I've never once in my life truely had troubles in school.. The learning, the work.. It all came naturally to me.. I've been to the brink of dropping out entirely and back, but that's not the answer.. It never is.. It's the way I've taken so many times though.. I get afraid.. and I run away.. I try to blame everything on something or someone else, but in the end it's all only me..

I started to think to myself that maybe I wasn't good enough for what I've goten myself into.. Maybe computer technology, although I'd planned on going for it my entire life.. Just wasn't for me.. but no.. It's just hard... it took quite a jolt for me to realize I can get through this...

First of all, kinda sorry to Dylan, who I'm sure will never read this, but all of spring break.. I genuinely kind of wanted left alone.. I pretended to be fine, but I'm sure you could see it O.o Know ya don't really care or anything :P but eh..

Anyway.. had this hellish program to write.. something that, in my opinion, has no business ever being written in a language like Basic.. but whatever.. I spent 90% of my time during spring break trying to write it, and failing time and time again.. I just couldn't grasp how to do it.. Until the day before it was due I finally had a breakthrough.. and I was finally able to do it.. Not exactly as it was supposed to be done, but I did it.. I finally felt a small sense of accomplishment in the whole slump I'd been through.. It really felt.. nice ^^

School wasn't anywhere near all that had me down, but I'll spare you all the details..

I finally feel like I've worked a lot of things out in my head.. I'm not emerging from the chrysalis as a butterfly or anything, but I'm a far better caterpiller ^^

Think I should just go on to the present before I go off into several billion tangeants and this post gets waaaay too long..

I've finally made a real friend at school.. I've had lots of friends.. and a single one from my past who's always been a good buddy, but finally made a good real friend ^^

If I were nerdly enough I'd do some calculations to see just what the chances were, in a town like this, that I'd meet someone in the way I did.. She and I work in the same computer lab, but never met.. She on Tuesday mornings, I on Wednesday mornings... One day I started seeing downloads of anime and such popping up on the computer we lab assistants share.. I'd sworn that I was the only one at that school who even had the remotest intrest in it.. My first assumption was it was this other guy who works there... but Wednesday before last.. I found out it wasn't.. so I was dumbfounded, looked at the date and times which the things had been downloaded, did a bit of stalking, and finally found out for sure and got her email address ^^ Through the magic of the internet we met today in person :P

She plays Yugioh and everything.. we've got an insane ammount in common.. It's a little bit freaky.. so yea.. today was nice.. hanging out with someone new.. dueling someone other than Dylan.. and losing to her too ^^ Not that she has the best deck in the world or anything.. Just I was a bit out of it, and hadn't played for a long while.. *glares* I'll get you next time, Gadget..

Anyhoo.. time came for her to go to work, so we parted ways after a lot of dueling, a little messing around in the arcade (trying to teach someone to play Dance Freaks is fun :P), and a good deal of talking.. aaand I went home..

Tonight I went to see The Last Samurai with my dad... Y'know all you people who didn't want to see it just because Tom Cruise had something to do with it... Fuck you, it's one of the best movies I've seen in a long time... I've been saying that a lot this year.. So many wonderful wonderful movies have been popping up.. Considering Return of the King as a movie of this year, which it is, as it's been playing in theatres longer in this year than 2003 by a lot.. here's my little "top" list so far:

1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2. Big Fish
3. The Last Samurai
4. Hidalgo

Notso big.. but eh.. Each and every one of those deserves some variety of award :P Next one I'm looking forward to is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... but fucking Columbus crap theatre thinks they're too good for it.. Seriously it's a shame that a movie where Jim Carrey's NOT talking through his ass can't get some kind of recognition.. He's a wonderful wonderful non-comedic actor.. The Majestic.. The Truman Show.. both just wow.. and Eternal Sunshine.. it's written by Charley Kaufman for fucks sake.. The man's brilliant -.- it just has to be good.. I'll get to see it some day >.>

Ah and since I've managed to miss it as of a matter of minutes.. Happy Belated Birthday, Kellie ^^ This is your birthday song, it isn't very long Sorry I wasn't around for it.. I miss ya.. message me ^^ A lot of the time I'm there even if it says I'm away.. I'll see it eventually ^^

Alright.. I think I'm about done here... See yas in another 3-6 months :P

1 comment|post comment

Bozoné!!!!!!! [03 Mar 2004|03:44pm]
Bozone:

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



Shouldn't the e have an accent?! It sounds so much better... so much more... Greek... or Italian.. and it so much fun to shout BOZONÉ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Scan me, baby.. [20 Feb 2004|12:41pm]

lokin
LJ Barcode
LJ username:



I don't know why either, so don't ask....
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Most accurate.... quiz... ever!..... not really.. [15 Feb 2004|10:14pm]
...but it's close!

sam
Congratulations! You're Sam!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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After my heartfelt post and some dinner, I'm bored.. [11 Feb 2004|07:00pm]
Bored enough to do this!

My newbie reprogramming of Valentine's day...


Private Sub btnBlah_Click(ByVal sender As System.Object, ByVal e As System.EventArgs) Handles btnCalc.Click
If VDayCheck() = True Then
If MakingOut.Checked = True Then
Beep()
MsgBox("*squirts you with a water gun*")
Else
GoTo 1
End If
End If
1:
Dim VDay As String
txtStr1.Text = "Valentine's Day"
VDay = txtStr1.Text
txtResult.Text = Replace(VDay, "Valentine's", "Venereal Disease")
4 comments|post comment

Geh! [11 Feb 2004|06:20pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

The Chris says:
"But I'm going to make it very CLEAR to Chad that he is to either a) not whine at all, or he will get his watergun privelages revoked, or b) just whine drunkenly and incomprehensibly so we can make fun of him"

This is not a whine... It's a fucking rant... I'm going to deal with all of this shit once and for all, I want to be myself again...

I never want to whine... I'm usually one helluva happy guy! The way that people were constantly lying to me, and just pretending to be my friend (Major case in point for the most recently revealed one, Lenni) drove me into a massive fit of depression last week. Maybe one day people will get the fucking point.

I -REALLY- want to go back to being my usual happy respectful self.. and I'm trying desperately to, but many a factor is quiet literally making me insane.




Now to unrant, and go into some other things, more important things.....

ANNIE: I know I've always seemed to be a jerk to you, but I never mean to be... I truely have always thought you're one of the greatest people I've ever had the privelge of knowing, and seeing how happy you've made my bestest friend in the world always brightens up my day. I'm so sorry for how much I always used to tease you, I never meant anything of it to be in anything but fun. It's how I get by y'know? When I'm joking around, it makes me feel so much lighter, and I can actually talk to people... All my life I've been INSANELY shy... It was always my way of getting around it, but I'm sure I said many a thing in those times that was just completely disrespectful to you, whom I think so highly of.. I'm so sorry for that..

From now on, I just want to try to be myself... I may be a little quieter... but hey I've got to be me..

CHRIS&CORNELL: The same thing goes for both of you as what the last few sentences to Annie were.. I'm very sorry for anything I've ever said or done to disrespect either of you... I never meant to, and I'm not going to anymore... I've really noticed that with each and every surrounding I enter into, I become someone else... With each and every person I interact with.. I act as if I'm someone else... It's truely schitzo-like... Seems like it's especially true in my classes.. In my math class I'm completely quiet, doing not much but take notes.. I can't even seem to ask questions... I just sit quietly writing things down, not really paying a lot of attention to what I'm writing, usually lost in other thoughts.. I don't like that me so much.... Business Communications and my Programming class, I'm constantly chatteing, both seriously and the occasional light humor... That's the real me, the me I like the most.. the me I want to be... Anyway, how it pertains to you.. some mes are not sexual at all, some are outright fucking horny, and others just like to make jokes out of it to get by... I always was the third way around Chris... I mean little things are fun, but I really crossed the line, and never meant to.. and that I'm most sorry for to you two.. You have a beautiful relationship going on, and I hope it lasts forever for you... I remember when Chris was all *whiney voice* "Euhhhhh.. relationshiiips" "Euuuuuuh.. happy being single" and I really think you've brought her something great that I could only ever dream about having, Cornell... So yea... I could go on forever about how much I love you two, but I must stop!

Kellie: I'm sorry for everything I've put apon you... When we were together, I just grew to care for you so much, and always wanted nothing more than to see you happy... I guess your happiness plans just didn't include me as your boyfriend. The way it happened just came as such a shock to me, I couldn't handle it, and it's taken me now longer to get over it than our relationship even lasted. I looked so desperately for things to blame in myself, other outside sources to blame, a few million things ran through my head really. I wanted to protect you, never to see you get hurt, and in my head, I'm the only one I could trust to do that.. I wanted you back so much for that reason, if for no other... What I've finally come to realize is though... There was nothing to find in looking for all that searching... All along you just knew it was better that we be friends... and I finally come to see you're right, it is... I found it through my own words to you the other night... The little convos we always have really are like oxygen to me, and I really do love you and always will, but loving someone as a friend can be so much better and so much stronger than any relationship sometimes.. I can make you happy just by being your friend...

Lenni: Dylan told me the things you said, and sure you're right on some points. By never being honest with me and pretending to appreciate my company, you did something much more terrible to me than ever saying to my face that you didn't want me around would have done. I always genuinely cared for you.. That time when you were so stressed out and depressed... The only person who ever could have possibly cared more for you was Kellie... I always thought so highly of you... I don't really have much more to add... Think of me what you will, but don't cause me to waste my feelings on you when you don't really care for me...

Anyone else I may have something to clear up with, and the previously mentioned as well: I'm out of time to write... Think of me as you will, but just know I'm going to be a different person from now on... I'm going to be myself..

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